A common mistake many parents make is that they do not allow their child to make decisions until they are much older. Decision-making is a process learnt through practice. Children from a very early age can be given opportunities to make decisions. Of course there are limits and boundaries as to what decisions we allow them to make. Still, there are many situations in which young children can be given the room to make life choices.

• For example, we started teaching our daughter since she was a year and a half to decide on simple things like what bedtime story she wanted read to her, or what fruit she wanted to eat for dessert, or what toy she wanted to play with. From that early age she was able to understand the phrase “choose the one you want.” If we were buying her a book or a toy we would get her to decide on one from a selection. These simple instances of decision making provides an opportunity for the child to realize that different options exist and that they need to identify what option is best for them at the time. Of course, it also teaches children that they can’t have everything in life and that they must make difficult choices at times.

• Fan Jin and Deborah make it a point to let their 7-year-old son, Mark decide how he wants to spend his weekends. They provide options for things he could do; playing a sport, visiting a friend, having a quiet day at home reading and watching a show, working on a handicraft or having an outdoor adventure at a nature park. Of course there are limits to what they allow Mark to do, but by and large they give Mark a lot of freedom to decide how he wants to spend his free time. Sometimes, Mark regrets some of the decisions he makes, but allowing children to make mistakes is part of the training. As a result, his parents feel that Mark has learnt to think through his options carefully, and to value his time more.

The older children get, the decisions we allow them to make should grow in quantity and in importance.

• Kevin, received a scholarship offer to pursue his studies in Singapore after his Form 3 examinations. His parents, were of course very keen for him to go but were also wary that he would be leaving his friends and school behind. They shared with him their thoughts and concerns and then left the final decision to him. It was a major decision to make for a 15-year-old boy, and Kevin spent 2 weeks weighing up the pros and cons of staying and leaving. His parents helped by suggesting what were the major issues to consider when making the decision. It was difficult but Kevin matured as a result of having to make his own decision and it certainly has prepared him for even tougher decisions he will have to make in the future.

Many parents may find it difficult to trust their children to make the right decisions for themselves, but we must realize that unless we gradually allow them to make more important decisions they will never be ready for independent adulthood. Some teenagers are not even allowed to choose their clothes or their hairstyles, let alone make decisions about their future. How then will they ever learn to make decisions?

With freedom comes responsibility. It is important to teach our children from an early age that decisions have consequences and they must learn to take responsibility for the decisions they have made.

• Four-year-old Jennifer was asked by her parents on her birthday what she wanted as a present. After much thought and consideration, Jennifer chose for herself a doll from the toy store. 2 weeks later, she saw her friends playing with another doll that seemed a lot more enticing then her own. She tried to persuade her parents to buy the other doll for her, but they explained to her that she had already made her choice and should be happy with the doll she had. They explained that for Christmas she could choose another present for herself, but that for the time being she should be content with what she had. It is difficult to turn a child’s request down, but this episode taught Jennifer that decisions are important because we have to live with the consequences of those decisions.

• 14-year-old Azmi was given the freedom to decide how to spend his evenings. On this occasion he decided to play computer games first before starting on his homework. Predictably the computer games took longer than anticipated and as a result, he was too tired to complete his homework. The next day he was scolded by his teacher for not completing his work and asked to serve a two-day detention class as punishment. Azmi, begged his parents to write a letter to his teacher so that he would be excused from this punishment. After considering the situation, they decided against protecting their son and explained to him that while painful, it was important for him to face up to the consequences of his actions. Two-day detention may be difficult and embarrassing, but it was not the end of the world. Azmi would learn to be more careful with making decisions about his time in the future.

Sometimes, it is important for parents to let their children make mistakes and learn from them. Of course there are limits to what parents should allow. There are times when parents can and should protect and save their children. However, many parents in Malaysia tend to be over protective of their children and as a result their children have not learnt to take their decisions seriously because they always expect their parents to bail them out.

From young our children see us as models and examples. This presents an opportunity for us to demonstrate the different skills necessary for good decision making. It can begin with very simple things.

• A toddler following mother or father to the supermarket can observe how we makes decisions about what to buy for the house meals. The key here is for the parent to think aloud, and verbalize their thought processes when making a decision. For example: “Papa needs to decide what to buy Mummy for her birthday. Should I get her a new dress? She can wear it for Chinese New Year. But she usually prefers to choose her own dresses and it is difficult to get a perfect fit if she is not here to try it out herself. Maybe I can get her a gift voucher for the boutique, that way she can choose the dress she wants. The other option is I could get her the book she always wanted...... ”

By expressing how we think when we are making decisions, we expose our children to the basic processes involved in decision making like identifying available options and considering the pros and cons of each option before selecting one.

• Mr. Anand had come to the crossroads with regards to his career. After serving for 20 years in his company he was being offered another job at another company. He informed his wife and his 16-year-old daughter about the decision he was making. He explained the different factors he was considering and identified the advantages and disadvantages of each option. He explained who he had talked to and from whom he had sought advice from. He mentioned how he had done research through the internet on the new company that was offering him the job. This example proved exceedingly helpful to his daughter who 3 years later had to make difficult decisions regarding her university studies. She had picked up on the importance of research and seeking advise and this made her very resourceful and thoughtful in her decision making process.

When children are asked to participate in family decision making, it gives them invaluable insights into how adults make decisions.

• Mr. and Mrs. Khaw included their 3 daughters, aged 13, 10 and 7 in their discussions on whether to move house to another part of town. Of course, it was clear that the parents had the final say, but by listening to what they children had to say, they sent a message to their children that their opinion was important. Also, the children were privy to what factors their parents were taking into account when making their decision.

There are many other examples of decisions that parents can involve their children; where to take family holidays, what to eat during the week, whether to get a pet, how to decorate a new house, what car to buy, how to use family finances, how to contribute towards charity.